Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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