I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
