My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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