someone get that fucking seahorse.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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