I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize