I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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