Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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