I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
