omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
