A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
