hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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