I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
