i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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