he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
