My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
