I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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