Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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