...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
