I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's never too late to be topless.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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