My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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