this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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