I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
