Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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