Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
