I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
