we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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