i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize