Where did you get a picture of my penis
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
