rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
