Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize