In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
