I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
