you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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