I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
