omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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