**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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