i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
