They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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