How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
