I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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