As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize