I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
