I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
