I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
