i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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