I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize