Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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