Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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