I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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