Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
