I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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