He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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