His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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