i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
