I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
