it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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