have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
