Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
