it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
