Tell her she can't have a vagina
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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