Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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