when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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