If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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