Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
